Rationally Irrational
by thecon12
Summary: What happens after the 'Virgins' talk at the end of season 5 episode 1 Callica


**Just uploading my fics from my Livejournal onto my ff profile :D  
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**Rationally Irrational**

Some people analyze absolutely everything and they make damn sure that they have it clear set in their mind before they do or say anything about it. I'd like to think I do this too, I know I do this when it comes to my job, but dealing with my emotions…well that's a whole different story.

My emotions seem to be like a carbonated drink; I get myself so shaken up as I clumsily fumble through the thoughts in my head and then when my thoughts do finally travel to my voice I explode in a flurry of words that spill out in an overwhelming fashion.

My emotions tend to drag me into unexpected scenarios that I'd never even consider if my brain was rational enough to stop me. But I'm one of those that believed when your parents told you to follow your gut instinct…and I'm one of those people that undoubtedly believed when people told you to always follow your heart instead of your head…and because of this I do throw myself constantly into a world of unknown.

I never expected to blurt out to George that I loved him, I never expected my heart to feel so hollow when I found out he was sleeping with Izzie; at the same time that my head seemed numb enough to forgive him, and I never expected to feel so lonely when we did finally part…but I did.

I never expected to instantly like Addison Montgomery when she arrived at Seattle Grace Hospital, I didn't expect to find comfort in our easily formed friendship, and I never expected to miss her when she moved to start over in LA.

I didn't know the first time that I saw Erica Hahn that she'd end up being another part of my unexpected life.

I don't remember why I'd never really spoken to her before that day she flopped down on the couch next to me in the staff room and asked me and Mark out for drinks. But what I do remember is why I said yes; her eyes. She didn't hold my gaze for longer than a few seconds as she glanced between me and Mark; but when they did meet mine I saw something I never expected to see from her…vulnerability.

You see I knew who Erica Hahn was before she'd ever set foot inside the hospital; her reputation of being a world renowned cardiothoracic surgeon with the steel emotions of a true professional was common knowledge to the surgical world; and watching her that time she came to operate on George's dad was no different; she seemed exactly as legend perceived.

But seeing her inside the hospital and outside the hospital apparently makes a huge difference. Me and Mark went with her to Joe's that night and drank beside her; I expected to be uncomfortable, at a loss for words about what to say…but it was easy; she was easy to be around; easy to talk to.

I wasn't sure when I got back to Cristina's apartment that night if the happiness fluttering inside my stomach was caused by a good night of drinking or because I'd spent the night laughing uncontrollably with the hospital's man-whore and the supposedly ice cold heart surgeon.

I'm not sure how it happened but I managed to become friends with Erica Hahn, and she wasn't the stern, rude doctor that Cristina always complained about, when we spent time together; she was really nice; she was warm and talkative and so funny that my sides ached from laugher long after she'd left. From there it started off innocently enough, as all friendships do; lunch together became routine and drinks at Joe's happened regularly. Soon we were spending time together on our days off and I never thought anything of it; I enjoyed her company and she seemed to enjoy mine. Our friendship grew quickly, talking on the phone and sunrise yoga became an everyday thing that we did together. She didn't look it at first glance but Erica was a great listener; she was patient and always responded with kind, encouraging words that always made me feel better; we shared stories of our pasts and it made the loneliness created by my failed marriage and Addison's vanishing act subside.

It was the unexpected return of said red-headed friend to Seattle Grace and her piercing accusations that sent my emotions in to a whirlwind; like a rug being whipped from under your feet, leaving you stumbling blindly. Everything I'd let myself become at ease with over the last few months suddenly became loud questions that pounded in my head and rang deafeningly in my ears.

These forever lingering questions made me panic; I hurried to the realisation that perhaps I did treasure my friendship with Erica a little to much to be innocent; but these thoughts seemed unthinkable; unnatural even….so much so that I decided to let my careless action of sleeping with Mark speak louder than the words that rang in my head.

There comes a time when denying what you know becomes too much; the worse lie really is the one that you tell yourself; those unspoken feelings that haunted me began to become more and more present in my mind. When I'm around Erica now I feel myself staring for a few seconds to long when she smiles, loving the way her blue eyes lighten up as her lips curl upwards…and I know that I'm spending my time trying to think of anything to make her laugh just so I can see her rosy lips part and release that heavily noise that I'm pretty sure I'm becoming addicted to. I'm watching her more now; my mind noting down all of her little habits as if they were the most important things in the world…and no matter how hard I try to stop myself I cant, it's like an instinct, I find myself in deep thought of her anytime I'm alone.

My emotions take me under their control when I see her rummaging through her bag after our long day saving cement boy. My legs feel like jelly as I walk towards her; my voice stuttering over my unfinished thoughts as I try to explain myself to her; but I know I'm helpless to stop myself when she looks up at me, those blue eyes filled with a mixture of concern and curiosity.

My feet step forward, my hand cups her cheek and my mouth descends on hers; our lips sliding together in delicate touches. I feel the pressure of her fingertips against my own cheek and she pulls away; I take a chance and open my eyes to meet hers. There's a small twinkle in her deep blue pools, though definitely not a friendly one....I'm acutely aware that my breath is feathering against her lips, and she parts them willingly as she leans back in to kiss me again; her hand sliding down to the small of my back; holding me to her as our lips and tongues continue this new uncertain exploration.

It all seemed so right until we pull away from each other; our eyes are unable to meet and I suddenly want to know where my courage has scurried off too because I'm frozen; there's no coherent thoughts shaping in my head and no words forming on my lips. We stand there complete silenced by our recent act until a heard of interns pass by us; I'm not sure why but this causes my feet and Erica's to shuffle into action but it does; we don't look at each other and we don't talk as she walks past me towards the hospital and I walk towards the car park.

The next few days after that incident I spend questioning myself; what the hell had I been thinking? Why had I kissed her? Why had she kissed me back? Why didn't I say something afterwards? – I tell myself I don't know the answers to any of them but in reality I know that I'm just trying to fool myself because I do know; I know exactly why I did what I did and that strikes a fear throughout my entire body.

I know Erica's avoiding me and I don't blame her; she might have kissed me back but she never expected me to initiate it in the first place or if she did she's doing a really great job of acting like I've given her something that she's not sure she wants.

I unexpectedly run into her during the busy-but-not-really-busy day when Seattle Grace is stealing trauma's from Mercy West, and there's only one word that really describes it…awkward…She's rambling on about how she's been busy with research and I know the same lame excuse tumbles from my mouth as our eyes catch briefly.

I thought that encounter would be the worst thing to happen to me on that day but I was wrong; seriously wrong. I'm desperate to push all thoughts of her from my head that I jump at the chance to experiment with a relatively new technique on one of the men from the limo crash. I convince Chief Webber to let me do it, he agrees and I get straight to work freezing the guy in hopes that we will be able to give him the ability to walk again.

I know that I said that I normally act rationally at work and I really believed I knew what I was doing when I suggested to freeze the guy, but the truth is I've never done this technique before and I'm not entirely sure that what I'm doing is right…and then the Chief and Bailey are looking towards me for all the answers and I feel overwhelmed and panicked.

I'm not sure at first if Erica's arrival makes me feel better or worse; but when I feel her hand on my shoulder and the gentle tone in her voice asking me to look at her; I know she's soothing out all my fears without really trying to. She manages to make me calm enough to regain control and I remember what needs to be done in order to save this man.

As I head to the exit of the hospital I spot Erica standing at one of the nurses' stations; her eyes focused on a chart as she scribbles a pen across the paper. I don't think now; in fact I encourage my mind to shut down and happily let my heart and its racing emotions take control.

"I'm not an experimenter…I don't like to experiment."

I watch as a confused expression covers her face, "Oh"

"But then you showed up and we did it together and the experiment was kind of a success."

"Oh…oh," we smile at each other in some kind of understanding as it dawns on her what I'm talking about and then she averts my gaze, looking down at her chart again.

I know I need to finish what I've stared; I can't keep living with this awkwardness between us, "Look I've never done this before," her blue eyes come back to meet mine, "I…I've never kissed a girl, I'm not sure I even like kissing girls, I don't actually, like kissing girls…I just like kissing one girl…you."

"I don't have anything to compare it with…I…you're the only woman I've ever kissed," her blue eyes are glimmering; making her whole face light up as she stumbles out her own confession.

"So you're freaking out too?" I can't help but laugh a little at the childishness of it all.

"A lot of therapy time."

"Yeah I don't do therapy…I tend to get all ahhh and then I get all clingy and…" she's nodding her head and giving me a questioning smile and I immediately know I'm sharing a little to much about my insecurities, "Okay you don't need to know that yet."

She lets out an amused sigh and smiles at me and an image of a score card flashes into my mind 'Rational thought = 0 – Emotional Madness = 1' and I smile back knowing that sometimes you have to let your heart lead; otherwise you might never be brave enough to face the things that mean the most to you.

"So…" I turn slightly to see if she'll follow and when I notice her taking a step forward I keep going, "Does this…this kind of makes us virgins doesn't it?"

I'm suddenly aware that her hand has trailed across the surface of the desk as we've moved away from it and is now hanging down by my own. I know how soft those fingers were as she held my face when we kissed and I suddenly have the urge to reach out and slide our fingers together…I don't though; instead I lift my hand to hold the strap of my bag, not wanting to push this…whatever this is between us too quickly.

"I guess in a way it does," she's looking at me; a nervous smile gracing her lips and her voice squeaking ever so slightly and I can't believe how adorable she seems.

"Vir..gins…" I draw it out; letting the word linger between us as I wrap my mind around how new this whole thing really is and she lets out an amused sigh again. I chance a glance at her; she's not looking at me anymore; instead her eyes are focused on the floor; the smile still playing at her lips, "Hey we can be scared together."

Now I'm glad she's not looking at me because I can feel a blush creeping onto my cheeks at the words I've just spoken innocently but knowing that they may come across suggesting more than intended too.

I feel her eyes on the side of my face and let my eyes find hers; they reassure me she got what I meant, "Kind of virgins, and yeah we can be scared together," she looks away briefly before looking back at me; an almost disbelieving yet cheekily excited look on her face and I can't help smirk back at her.

The cold wind hitting my face brings me out of thoughts and reminds me that we've made it outside the hospital; the unusual storm dusting the ground in a white layer. We both seem to stop at the same time and turn to look at each other; I'm not sure whether it would seem to forward if I ask her to go and grab a drink but she beats me to it.

"Want to go and grab a drink at Joe's?"

Her eyes are darting around my face; and she looks as anxious as I feel. I bite my bottom lip and shake my head; making her eyes widen in disappointment, "No, I'm not in the mood for alcohol....But I know this great little diner that serves the best cup of coffee around the clock, fancy that?"

She nods her head and I don't fail to notice the breath she lets out in relief, "Coffee sounds good."

I give her a big smile, hoping that it settle's some of the tension between us and begin walking again, and she easily steps into line with me as we head towards my car, "Did you drive this morning?"

"No, I hate driving in snow, I got a cab here."

I unlock my car and open the door; sliding into driver's seat as Erica silently climbs in and settles in to the passenger seat. We're quiet for the ten minute drive and I try to keep my eyes on the road; knowing just how dangerous black ice can be for motorists, but I can't help from smiling as I catch Erica watching me; looking away quickly whenever her eyes catch mine.

I park the car and lead her into Earl's diner; it's not very big; the light is soft and the booths are covered in dark brown leather; worn marks scattered over them, showing just how occupied this place has been over the years. We settle into the booth at the far end and the smiling waitress, who I've become familiar with over my time in Seattle, takes our order; returning quickly with our steaming mugs of coffee; the perfect remedy for the cold.

I watch Erica trace the rim of her mug; the steam rising between her fingers as she looks around the diner before letting her eyes settle on mine, "I've never been in here before, never even heard of it, and by the smile the waitress gave you I'm guessing that you're some what of a regular here; so tell me Torres how'd you stumble across this place?"

Hearing her familiar friendly tone as it laces around my last name instantly makes me feel at ease and I let out a chuckle, "When I was an intern at Seattle Grace I was kind of a loner; all the other's would hang out at Joe's and so I started looking for a place that was near enough to the hospital that I could come and hang out in on my own. I came across this place after a bad day and settled into this exact booth and ordered a cup of coffee and what'd you know; the coffee's great, it's quiet in here and I felt totally relaxed…after that I just kept coming here and well it's a few years later so I guess I am officially a regular," she's smiling at me and her eyes are darting around my face; it's something she does a lot but not something I've ever taken much notice of; but now it makes me squirm in my seat a little, and I feel like she's taking in every detail of my face.

"I like it here," she lifts her mug to her mouth and sips at her coffee and I can't stop my eyes from dropping to her mouth, "No annoying interns or residents, no distractions and you were right about the coffee, it's really good," her voice draws my eyes back to hers and she's smirking at me in a knowing way.

"I'm sorry I kissed you and then walked away…and I'm sorry about the not talking to you for two weeks thing too," I don't know why I blurt that out; I guess rational thought has disappeared again and my emotions want to get straight to the point.

Erica opens her mouth to say something and then drops her gaze to the table; nodding her head. After a few seconds her eyes find mine again, "I'm sorry too…" I raise my eyebrow wondering what she's got to be sorry about but before I can say anything she continues, "I shouldn't have walked away either…after the kiss I mean," it's my turn to nod my head now, "And I shouldn't have avoided you either…I just wasn't sure if you did it because of Sloan or whether-"

"I would never do that to you," she looks startled as I cut in and I see worry creeping onto her face. Seeing one of her hands lying lazily on the table I take a chance and cover it with my own, "I wanted to kiss you…Mark had nothing to do with it…I just…" I swallow the lump forming in my throat and make sure her eyes understand what I'm saying, "I wanted to kiss you Erica."

"Oh-"

"I know I probably should have told you what I was feeling first but I…the kiss...it seemed to be the only way I could express it…and I know I freaked out afterwards but it's not because I regretted kissing you it was because I didn't."

She hasn't pulled her hand out from under mine so I take that as a good sign and when I see her smiling at me I know she gets it, "Well I'm glad you didn't…you know…because of Sloan."

I smile back so big that my cheeks hurt; knowing that she's as glad about that kiss as I am lifts the heavy weights from around my shoulders. I want to ask her what we're going to do but I don't; rational thinking is back in action and I normally rush relationships…I'm not sure if that's why I haven't been very successful but if that is the reason I'm not taking any chances this time; baby steps seem like the best plan to follow. So I carefully slide my hand away from hers and drink some of my coffee and I'm pleased that she takes this opportunity to start chatting away about work, what the Chief said to her and her attempts at teaching Cristina so far. We stay there for a couple of hours; talking and laughing away as if we hadn't just avoided each other for two solid weeks and then had a semi-clarifying moment and I don't think until then that I'd really realised just how much I missed doing this with her.

"I've missed you," I know I said baby steps and this one feels more like a toddler step but I couldn't help it; watching her eyes crease when she laughs and hearing her rants about Cristina made me happy; made me want her to know that I had.

Her smile shrinks down and she purses her lips together as her eyes dart around my face, "I've missed you too Cal," the smile's back on her face now and it's warm and genuine and it makes me feel practically giddy that I grip the table to stop myself from jumping up to celebrate.

After we finish up our coffee's I drive her back to her apartment; stopping my car outside her building and turn to look at her; she's staring back at me and if the twinkle dancing about in her delicious blue eyes means she's as happy as I am at this moment then I'm satisfied.

"Well thanks for coming for coffee with me," she smiles and nods her head; I glance past her at her building briefly before my eyes settle back on hers, "I guess this is goodnight."

"Yeah it was," she gives me a meaningful smile and opens the car; placing one foot out of the door before turning back to me, "Callie?"

"Yeah?" I turn my attention back to her and feel worry creeping into my skin.

Her blue orbs dance across my face again and she smiles shyly, "I forgot to tell you earlier that…" then she leaning in towards me and I feel my breath catch as her soft lips brush against my cheek; lingering for a few seconds before pulling away; her eyes finding mine, "I like kissing you to."

I smile brightly as my skin tingles from the touch of her lips and watch her step out of the car; leaning down to look at me again, "I guess I'll see you at work tomorrow Torres," she's smirking cheekily and I feel my stomach flutter as she pulls back and shuts the door.

I watch her take a couple of steps towards the stairs leading to her apartment and quickly hit the button to open the window on the passenger side; calling after her "Erica?" She turns back to look at me, and even in the slight darkness I see her eyebrow raise questioningly, "Sleep well."

"I will, trust me," she smiles timidly and I can see the skin of her cheeks darkening faintly as she blushes, "Night Cal."

"Night," I sit there watching after her as she climbs the steps and enters her building; I watch her until she's completely out of sight and I know that I'm smiling. I close my eyes and take a deep breath in, loving how I can smell her perfume for hours after she's gone, and how it makes my head spin like a drug that I'm totally addicted to. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but if I've learnt one thing recently it's that the unexpected part of existence really does bring the best things into your life and those things are worth holding onto.


End file.
